Prt_McNab
01-25-2007, 12:30 PM
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.....
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************** *******
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
************************************************** ********
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got
the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************** ********
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************** ********
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at
the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."
************************************************** ********
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich,
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
************************************************** ********
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our
caterers."
************************************************** ********
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as
a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."
************************************************** ********
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the
hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult
for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything
up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and
don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in
her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************** *******
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
************************************************** ********
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got
the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************** ********
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************** ********
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at
the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."
************************************************** ********
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich,
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
************************************************** ********
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our
caterers."
************************************************** ********
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as
a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."
************************************************** ********
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the
hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult
for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything
up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and
don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in
her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"